[This post was written a few days ago, when I was pretty frustrated at my inability to feel God, especially in relation to studying the Bible. For most of the past two months, I've felt somewhat spiritually dry and unable to hold onto (or be affected by) the truth of Jesus Christ. I'm continuing to rely on his faithfulness to glorify himself rather than my ability to see him with my own eyes].
I'm looking for Jesus.
Granted, I’m not looking very hard, if looking hard means poring through the books of the Bible, intensely studying its pages. I suppose I’m too lazy for that. Or, perhaps I’m just too discouraged. Or both lazy and discouraged. Lately, I’ve been really confused in my reading of the Bible. I haven’t felt fed or satisfied—only left wondering what the heck Jesus meant when he said such-and-such in Matthew. Maybe it’s because I think too much about the background, the cultural context, and the physical environment in which Jesus said such-and-such. I’m not sure why I feel confused—I guess I just really want to know Jesus, and I’m having a hard time with it right now.
If Jesus is who he said he was, then he ought to be unbelievably mind-blowing. And I know he is, but I just don’t see or feel it right now. Perhaps I’m too emotion-driven. I really want to EXPERIENCE Jesus, and live out of that unbelievable, life-altering experience. But right now, I’m not feeling or experiencing much of anything. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with my selfish, conceited nature and my exceptional talent for ignoring the truth for the sake of convenience. Perhaps I just want to conveniently experience Jesus, just like we zip through our convenience stations to fill up on gasoline in order to fuel our busy lives.
I recently read Psalms 145. The Psalms have been a source of consolation for me during the past few weeks, because they’re so direct. They certainly have their confusing parts as well (not the least of which deals with smashing infants’ heads against rocks), but especially the latter psalms (139-150 or so), the writers are profoundly direct in their praise to Yahweh. I like that. As I read this particular song of David, these words caught on the branches of my heart:
You satisfy the desire of every living thing.
I have to be honest with you: my true, deep-down, soul-level desire does not feel met right now. I feel far from having that desire being satisfied, because I honestly feel far from God. I’m not sure why. Maybe because this is one of those “desert experiences” that people talk about. Perhaps there’s some sin in my life that needs to be dealt with in order for me to be able to know Jesus on a different level. Regardless, I believe that David was right. I’ve experienced this penetrating longing for something true and substantial before, and that knowing Christ fully and eternally satisfies it.
I suppose I should continue to look for him. Perhaps that’s why he brought me here to Parral, away from familiarity, to learn how to look for him, to follow him. In my pursuit, I’m going to hang on to something else that David said in that great psalm:
The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
I'm looking for Jesus.
Granted, I’m not looking very hard, if looking hard means poring through the books of the Bible, intensely studying its pages. I suppose I’m too lazy for that. Or, perhaps I’m just too discouraged. Or both lazy and discouraged. Lately, I’ve been really confused in my reading of the Bible. I haven’t felt fed or satisfied—only left wondering what the heck Jesus meant when he said such-and-such in Matthew. Maybe it’s because I think too much about the background, the cultural context, and the physical environment in which Jesus said such-and-such. I’m not sure why I feel confused—I guess I just really want to know Jesus, and I’m having a hard time with it right now.
If Jesus is who he said he was, then he ought to be unbelievably mind-blowing. And I know he is, but I just don’t see or feel it right now. Perhaps I’m too emotion-driven. I really want to EXPERIENCE Jesus, and live out of that unbelievable, life-altering experience. But right now, I’m not feeling or experiencing much of anything. I’m sure a lot of that has to do with my selfish, conceited nature and my exceptional talent for ignoring the truth for the sake of convenience. Perhaps I just want to conveniently experience Jesus, just like we zip through our convenience stations to fill up on gasoline in order to fuel our busy lives.
I recently read Psalms 145. The Psalms have been a source of consolation for me during the past few weeks, because they’re so direct. They certainly have their confusing parts as well (not the least of which deals with smashing infants’ heads against rocks), but especially the latter psalms (139-150 or so), the writers are profoundly direct in their praise to Yahweh. I like that. As I read this particular song of David, these words caught on the branches of my heart:
You satisfy the desire of every living thing.
I have to be honest with you: my true, deep-down, soul-level desire does not feel met right now. I feel far from having that desire being satisfied, because I honestly feel far from God. I’m not sure why. Maybe because this is one of those “desert experiences” that people talk about. Perhaps there’s some sin in my life that needs to be dealt with in order for me to be able to know Jesus on a different level. Regardless, I believe that David was right. I’ve experienced this penetrating longing for something true and substantial before, and that knowing Christ fully and eternally satisfies it.
I suppose I should continue to look for him. Perhaps that’s why he brought me here to Parral, away from familiarity, to learn how to look for him, to follow him. In my pursuit, I’m going to hang on to something else that David said in that great psalm:
The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
2 comments:
Billy,
I love this post.
I am feeling many of the same things here. My heart resonates with your thoughts. I love knowing how you are doing, so far away in Parral, Mexico.
Interesting that you are in the last portion of the Psalms, because my prayer for you yesterday came from Psalm 143. Verses 7-10. Read them soon. :)
Hey, can you email me your address in Mexico? I'd love to try and see if real mail will make it all the way from here to there.
"I’ve experienced this penetrating longing for something true and substantial before, and that knowing Christ fully and eternally satisfies it."
Brother, thank you for your honesty. I too have felt this longing at times. I have heard it described as being 'homesick for heaven'. We know there is a place and there will be a time when there is more than this. When we know the Lord in such an intimate way and worship Him perfectly and completely. In Uganda, I realized that my understanding of Jesus is not true to who he is. If he really is who and what he said he is, and I really am going to be his disciple...then my life needs to look different than it does in so many ways. But we are 'being' made complete by the work of the Spirit, right? It's a process. As my African neighbors say, "Slow, slow."
On such homesick days, I find myself in the last chapters of Revelation. Descriptions beyond my comprehension and a feeling of something lacking within myself leave me pleading with urgency but with expectant joy, "Come, Lord Jesus. Come..."
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