waiting...

To keep in step with the reflective theme of my blog, allow me to answer the question that sprawls across the top of your web browser: "here I am, but where am I?"

The obvious answer is this: I'm here Parral, doing the same thing I've been doing for four months, which is teaching and being a part of the body of Christ. The more complicated answer still evades certainty in my mind, which is preoccupied with things of a much less significant nature.

This is what I feel: I'm very ready to go home and be with my family. As I wrote a few weeks ago, I keep daydreaming of the moment I see my mom and dad when they pick me up at O'Hare International Airport. The joy of that reunion is something I long to experience. I can't wait to bear-hug my brother when we pick him up from O'Hare the next day. The longing I have in my heart to see my family and be in the same place with all of them nearly brings tears to my eyes as I anticipate it. I miss them tremendously. I also greatly look forward to being reunited with my close friends, whom I haven't seen for half a year, whose lives have changed dramatically since we last talked.

Although I enjoy my life here and know that this is my job/responsibility right now to be here, I'm finding it very difficult to keep a good attitude about being here when I would much rather be somewhere else. I want to experience the comfort of home and familiar people, with whom I can talk in my own language. I'm tired of teaching kids, the majority of whom don't care about my English lessons, and I want to be in a place where I am truly known. But this is what I feel.

This is what I know: God the Almighty sees my rotten attitude toward my life here, and the rest of my stinky, messy thought-life. And by mercy, He decided to punish Jesus Christ rather than me. Now, I know that wanting to go home is not a sin. But, my discontent and apathy toward the real problems that are in front of my face are definitely not the attitudes of those who have been rescued from God's wrath by grace. I am realizing more these days the importance of Paul's attitude of being content in every situation.

Jumbled thoughts of the future, hopes and desires of this world, and preoccupation with temporary comfort: these things occupy my mind most of the time, not the timeless, unexpiring promises of the Gospel. When I lose sight of the Cross, I begin to think that I deserve a good life and I start trying to acquire this "good life". What a deception, eh? Didn't Jesus say that I needed to lose my life in order to find life? Wasn't he telling the truth when he said that in him and him alone is true life found?

Thanks for reading my thoughts. If anything, it helped me sort out a little where I'm at, as I try to finish this race well before a wonderful holiday break. A week and three days before home! Pray that I put forth my whole effort into stewarding what I have been given.