search for significance

Why do I want to “count” so much?

I was just recently pouring out some frustration to God, lamenting about my desire to be consumed with living for his glory and not my stupid, selfish demands for comfort and a painless existence. I actually thought it was a rather holy lamenting (to be frank) and I figured God would probably like what I was saying, although I think I was saying in sincere humility, not just trying to impress myself with words spoken out loud. At the end of my “holy” complaint, I said, “My life just doesn’t count at all without you, God!”

And then I heard this small little whisper: Why are you so consumed with “counting”?

It suddenly dawned on me that when I think in terms of my life, I think about it “counting” for something. In fact, I think much of my life has been a constant pursuit for significance. Allow me to illustrate using some honest examples.

I think that a subliminal reason for my coming to Mexico was due to the fact that I wanted my life to seem more significant than it seemed when I was at home. In other words, I felt that my going to Mexico would be a way to gain points for “a life well lived”. By “sacrificing” the comforts and conveniences of home and living abroad for a year, I would receive greater kudos from God, my peers, and myself: “Good job, Billy: you sacrificed and did the good Christian thing. Enter into the ‘significant life'".

Perhaps another example is my need to feel significant is through my interests. Theology, Scripture, philosophy, history, music, and literature are good examples of what I usually think and read about day by day. Most of the reasons why I pursue these things is due to the fact that I think they lead to “the Ultimate”. I have often thought that by pursuing the “higher” disciplines, I would somehow attain to the “secret” of life, and not be bogged down by the stuff that is imbedded in real life. That way, once I understand and attain the “Ultimate secret”, then I’ll be significant, and my life will “count”.

Confusing, huh? I’m surprised I got all that out of my gray matter and into written words. If you understood all that, congratulations. If not, that’s ok. The important thing is, I’m consumed with being significant. I want everything to “count”. Actually, unless I’m way off, I think we all do to some degree.

So what do I do with this? We (or at least I) have a great desire to have significance in our lives. Therefore, we try to create the significance. For me, I study and read the “higher” things, trying to figure it out. Or, I try to seek the significance in relationships and find fulfillment through other people. I really like the good feeling that comes to me when a whole roomful of people laughs at my joke, or pays attention when I talk intelligently about some important matter. I’ve known some guys that found their significance in having the biggest biceps or nicest six-pack, or girls who feel like they “count” when boys turn their heads when they walk past. Or, closer to home, do we find our significance (to borrow my friend Ryan’s expression I just read on his blog) in being the first to top the spiritual mountain of “holiness” (or the appearance thereof)?

And if we do all these things, even if they are good things, is that the true significance that lies ahead of us in the Promised Land of our inheritance in Jesus Christ?